Oracle Scratchpad

April 12, 2010


Filed under: humour — Jonathan Lewis @ 11:32 am BST Apr 12,2010

Browsing around the internet recently I came across this result:

“During February, 2010, was positioned by as the 33 most visited website in the United States. In order to be ranked in traffic in number 33, had 25,165,482 visits.”

Pretty impressive, isn’t it.

On the other hand, WordPress tells me that I got just 45,000 visits in Feb – so which one do I want to believe ? And how did the other one get a result that was so far out ?

March 19, 2010

Something Changed

Filed under: humour — Jonathan Lewis @ 9:50 pm BST Mar 19,2010

I’ve been a bit busy over the last few days and haven’t had much time to do any new postings or catch up with comments; but I’ve just got a few moments to let you know about a client I visited a few weeks ago who didn’t give me the usual “nothing’s changed” story.

“We’ve only changed two things,” he said, “the hardware and the software.”***

Mind you, I wasn’t sure whether the change in the network infrastructure should have counted as a third thing.

*** I think he’d read the earlier blog item.

February 16, 2010

Performance myths

Filed under: humour — Jonathan Lewis @ 6:30 pm BST Feb 16,2010

How legends are born:

But it won’t always work:

January 1, 2010

First Principles

Filed under: humour — Jonathan Lewis @ 8:04 pm BST Jan 1,2010

I just had to start the new year with a little humour.

September 4, 2009

Real World

Filed under: humour — Jonathan Lewis @ 6:30 pm BST Sep 4,2009

Who says that the scientific method can’t be applied to real-world problems ?

Update – in keeping with the recent “Friday night is quiz  night” pattern, here’s a quiz on the same topic. Apologies to any who feel excluded for cultural or gender reasons:

January 8, 2009


Filed under: humour,Troubleshooting — Jonathan Lewis @ 6:28 pm BST Jan 8,2009

There are many things that people do to Oracle systems to try to improve performance – adding hardware, tweaking parameters, adding indexes, changing block sizes, tuning the SQL.

When all else fails, you might even consider shouting at it – but don’t, it won’t work, as demonstrated in this video clip.

Thanks to Oak Table member Mario Broodbakker for sending me the link.

September 26, 2008

Root Cause

Filed under: humour,Infrastructure,Troubleshooting — Jonathan Lewis @ 5:43 pm BST Sep 26,2008

There are a few expressions in the industry that irritate me – not necessarily for good reason but simply because they sound like the extremes of pretentiousness and marketing put together.  (Pretentious, moi !)

March 20, 2008


Filed under: humour — Jonathan Lewis @ 5:01 pm BST Mar 20,2008

Tom Kyte and Pete Finnigan are both well known for talking about the need to use bind variables and the dangers of SQL Injection. This cartoon must have been written just for them.

January 2, 2007

Humour (possibly)

Filed under: humour,Non-technical — Jonathan Lewis @ 9:22 pm BST Jan 2,2007

This may not translate well because of the colloquialisms, but it seems appropriate for the current time of year (early January) in the UK.

You may have noticed that I spend quite a lot of my time explaining why something is a bad idea and should be treated with caution. Occasionally this has resulted in complaints that I keep pouring cold water on everything. The best response to this comment is one I first heard many years ago:

“Cold water is the natural result of hot air meeting thin ice”.

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